Romeo and Juliet Revised
by My Sharpie Is Green
Summary: A classic tale of love [lust] with a touch of creepy stalker. [PARODY]
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:** Ok, I love R+J, I really do. But it SO needs to be mocked. I don't own it, blah blah blah. Warning, will contain references to 1996 movie.

PROLOGUE

_Enter _CHORUS

CHOR. Why am I the chorus? I don't sing. I don't dance. I'm supposed to talk, in silly little iambic pentameter—and rhyme! Do you know what it's like to have to speak in rhymes? Oh, it's terrible business. But back to the point—I shouldn't be the chorus! The narrator, maybe, but not the _chorus_. You know, that's it. I'm off to speak to the writer.

_Exeunt _CHORUS

Re-enter CHORUS

CHOR. Fine, fine, I'll do it! _Sings._

There once were two families who fought a lot

They never did get along

But their children—oh, both were so hot

And soon things started to go wrong

They were both idiots and killed themselves

Their parents never fought again

The feud was put on the families shelves

And Shakespeare this story did pen

This story will take two hours of your time

But you now know everything because of this rhyme!

_Exeunt _CHORUS


	2. Act I Scene I

ACT I.

SCENE I. _Verona. A public place._

_Enter _SAMPSON_ and _GREGORY_, of the house of Capulet, with swords and bucklers._

SAM. I'm not going to let them insult me anymore!

GRE. Yes you will…coward.

SAM. I'll have sex with their maids too.

GRE. I guess there's a first time for everything.

SAM. Shut up.

GRE. Hey, Montagues—let's go over and start something.

_Enter _ABRAHAM _and _BALTHASAR.

SAM. Hey, look, I'm biting my thumb!

ABR. Idiot, do you _want_ to get beat up?

SAM. No.

GRE. (In a singsong voice) Sampson's a coward, Sampson's a coward!

SAM. But, uh, if you do fight me I'm as good a fighter as you are!

ABR. No, you're not.

SAM. Well, uh…

_Enter _BENVOLIO.

GRE. _Aside to_ SAM. Just say you're better already, Benvolio's coming. He'll get you out of whatever mess you get yourself into.

SAM. I'm better than you!

ABR. Alright, punk, you asked for it.

_They fight._

BEN. Knock it off.

_Enter _TYBALT.

TYB. Benvolio, I'm going to kill you.

BEN. That's a little harsh, don't you think? I only snuck off with your girlfriend that one time! Just help me get these idiots to stop, and then we'll talk.

TYB. Benvolio, I'm a Mexican with a comb over AND sideburns. The Donald's got nothing on me. You messed with me, and now you're more than just fired.

_They fight._

_Enter _ _Citizens and Officers._

FIRST OFF.: Stop, stop!

CROWD. Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

_Enter _PRINCE ESCALUS_, with his train._

PRIN. Break it up, break it up. Third time, folks. Do it again I kill you.

_Exeunt all but _BENVOLIO_, enter _MONTAGUE_ and _LADY MONTAGUE.

MON. What was all of that about?

BEN. They attacked us, Uncle! Don't let them hurt me!

LA. MON. Have you seen Romeo?

BEN. Earlier this morning, on the way to school. He ran off in the woods when he saw me, so I kept walking.

MON. He's been really emo lately. He dyed his hair black, and our maid found women's jeans in the laundry. It scares me.

BEN. Do you know why?

MON. No. Ah, all he does is cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry—

_Enter _ROMEO.

BEN. If I find out what's wrong with him, will you shut up?

MON. Sure.

BEN. Bye.

_Exeunt _MONTAGUE _and_ LADY.

BEN. Good morning.

ROM. Don't talk to me about 'good morning.' What's so good about it, anyways?

BEN. Um…

ROM. She doesn't love me!

BEN. Okay, well, that saved some time…. Who is she?

ROM. I'm going to leave.

BEN. I'm coming with you.

ROM. You're impossible to get rid of, aren't you?

BEN. Yes. Now tell me who she is.

ROM. A girl…

BEN. You know, I had figured that much out for myself.

ROM. She won't have sex with meeeeee! (Whines)

BEN. She's a nun, isn't she?

ROM. (Snuffles and nods).

BEN. Then forget about her. She's useless.

ROM. But I caaaaaaan't!

BEN. Yes you can, I'll show you someone prettier and easier.

ROM. She's the prettiest, though….

BEN. That's it, I give up. _Exeunt._


	3. Act I Scene II

ACT I

SCENE II. _A street._

_Enter _CAPULET, Paris_, and _Servant.

CAP. Montague's in trouble too, so I guess I can suck it up.

PAR. That's great. Can I marry your daughter or not?

CAP. I've told you before, she's my only child and she's thirteen! Child molester.

PAR. What can I say, they're cute when they're young.

CAP. Ew.

PAR. So what do you say?

CAP. Two more years, but she gets to make the final decision, you creep.

PAR. But—

CAP. Nah ah.

PAR. Two years—

CAP. She'll be at the feast tonight, you can woo her there too. And there will be lots of pretty, promiscuous young women to satisfy you until your wedding.

PAR. That works.

CAP. Servant, come here. Find these people in Verona and let them know they have a few hours to get ready for my party!

_Exeunt _CAPULET_ and _Paris.

SERV. Well, this would work out fantastically if I could READ.

_Enter_ BENVOLIO_ and _ROMEO.

BEN. Are you mad?

ROM. I'm bound more than a madman is!

BEN. So, yeah… Have you ever heard of being 'over dramatic'?

ROM. No, why?

BEN. No reason.

SERV. Can you read?

ROM. Do you see the crappy poetry in my hand? Look—"O brawling love! O loving hate/ O anything, of nothing first create/ O heavy lightness! Serious vanity/ Mis-shapen chaos of—"

SERV. Yeah, that's great. Read this.

ROM. Person, Person, Person, Person, Mercutio, Person, Person, ROSALINE! IT'S ROSALINE! MY LOVE ROSALINE!

BEN. Well, I guess we answered that question…

ROM. Oh, sorry… Uh, where was I? Oh yeah, Person, Person, Tybalt, Person, and Person.

SERV. Come on down!

ROM. Where?

SERV. To my house.

ROM. What house?

SERV. My master's house.

ROM. And your master is…?

SERV. Capulet.

ROM. Ah, yes, of course he is. Oh, the irony.

SERV. What, sir? Are you a Montague?

ROM. Us? Oh, no. We are…uh, not Montagues.

SERV. Right. _Exeunt._

BEN. This is perfect!

ROM. Huh?

BEN. Do you have any idea how many pretty and promiscuous women will be at that party!

ROM. I guess that works…(Sigh) Even if she is the prettiest…

BEN. I give up!


	4. Act I Scene III

ACT I

SCENE III, _A room in the Capulet's house._

_Enter _LADY CAPULET_ and _NURSE.

LA. CAP. Nurse, where's my daughter. Find her and tell her I want to talk to her.

NURSE. JULIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!

_Enter _JULIET.

JUL. Stop screaming, it hurts.

LA. CAP. Great. Nurse, go away. Wait, no, come back!

JUL. What a shock….

Flashbacks 

JULIET'S SEX TALK

LA. CAP. Well, I've decided that it's about time you understood your Nurse's vulgar jokes, so I'm going to explain sex to you.

JULIET. Ay!

LA. CAP. Oh god, not that again. Um, so yeah… You see, Juliet, when a man and a woman love each other… Oh, I give up. Nurse!

JULIET'S PERIOD TALK

LA. CAP. Juliet, when a girl gets to be….NURSE!

_Back to present._

LA. CAP. So, you're…uh…

NURSE. A couple weeks away from turning fourteen?

LA. CAP. Yes! That was the age, I couldn't remember.

NURSE. I remember when she was a little girl she fell on her face and my husband told her "When you're older you'll fall on your back, won't you?" and she said "Ay!" Hahahahahahahaa.

LA. CAP. Nurse, shut up.

NURSE. And she said "Ay!"

JUL. If you tell that story one more time you won't live to see me turn fourteen, woman.

NURSE. Okay, okay, geez.

LA. CAP. So, basically, you're getting married to the handsome and perfect angelic Paris. Can you like him?

JUL. I've never met him, mother.

LA. CAP. He's hot.

NURSE. Very.

JUL. That works.

LA. CAP. You won't be any less by marrying him, either.

NURSE. She'll be bigger after the wedding night!

LA. CAP. Shut up.

_Exeunt _LADY CAPULET_ and _NURSE.


	5. Act I Scene IV

ACT I

SCENE IV. _A street._

_Enter_ ROMEO, MERCUTIO, BENVOLIO, _with five or six other_ Maskers, _and_ Torch-bearers.

ROM. Should we apologize before we go in?

BEN. We're wearing masks, you idiot.

ROM. Can I be a torch-bearer?

MER. No, we need you to dance with the easy women!

ROM. I have a soul of lead!

MER. You don't have a soul of lead, just two left shoes. You're dancing. Just, uh, borrow Cupid's wings and fly!

ROM. I'm not getting high with you.

MER. That's not what I meant, but fine.

ROM. Let me carry a torch.

MER. No.

ROM. I don't want to go, though.

MER. Why?

ROM. I dreamed a dream….

MER. Me too… (grins).

ROM. Please don't tell me.

MER. Have I ever told you about Queen Mab?

ROM. A hundred times.

MER. Excellent. She's a small little fairy who creates dreams! Isn't that amazing! And she makes people dream of things that have to do with what they are—lovers dream of love, soldiers dream of killing, that sort of thing. And she teaches women to give birth! (Gets angry all the sudden). I want to shout! THIS IS SHE, THIS IS SHE!

ROM. Mercutio, shut up. You're speaking nonsense again.

MER. Yeah, you're right. It's the drugs, man, I swear.

BEN. We're gonna be late, hurry up!

ROM. I fear we'll be too early because I had this dream that something happened tonight that made me die very very soon.

MER. Romeo, are you sure you didn't get into my special brownies?

_Exeunt all._


	6. Act I Scene V

ACT I

SCENE V. _A hall in Capulet's house._

Musicians _waiting. Enter _Servingmen, _with napkins._

FIRST SERV. It is the party. _Exeunt._

_Enter _CAPULET, _with_ JULIET _and others of his house, meeting the_ Guests _and_ Maskers.

CAP. Everybody dance!

_Nobody moves._

CAP. I'll tell everyone in Verona you have corns!

_Music plays and they dance._

Ah yes, how long has it been since you and I masked, random person?

SEC CAP. Thirty years.

CAP. I'm not that old, am I?

SEC. CAP. 'Fraid so.

CAP. Damn. I guess that means I can't go after the hot, young promiscuous women here tonight?

SEC. CAP. It does…pedophile.

CAP. No, Paris is the pedophile.

ROM. _To a _Servingman Who's the hot girl?

SERV. I don't know.

ROM. How can you not know, you're her servant! Shit, I don't know that yet. Strike that last comment off the record, folks! She a sexy piece of work.

SERV. You're creeping me out. _Exeunt._

TYB. It's Romeo! How dare he come here, he probably wants to steal my girlfriend like his good-for-nothing cousin. And he's ogling Juliet, the pedophile! I'm a Mexican with sideburns AND combover! The Donald's got nothing on me! He's ogling my cousin and now Romeo's more than fired!

CAP. I've heard that before, where are you going and who are you seeking vengeance on?

TYB. Romeo's here and he's ogling—

CAP. Shut up and ignore him. The Prince'll kill me if I lay a finger on him.

TYB. No, I won't endure him!

CAP. Drama queen. Go away.

TYB. Fine, I'll just kill him later. _Exeunt._

ROM. _To _JULIET Listen, okay. I know this Shakespeare guy wants us to go into an excruciatingly painful and long metaphor about saints and prayers so people don't suspect us, but I'm gonna make this short: I think you're hot and I KNOW I'm hot, so let's sneak off into the back room and make out.

JUL. Okay!

NURSE. Juliet, your mother wants you again.

ROM. Who is her mother? She's interrupting our make-out session.

NURSE. I'll pretend like I didn't hear that. Her mother is the Lady Capulet.

ROM. O no! She would have had sex with me! Um, I mean, I love her.

JUL. Who was that guy?

NURSE. I don't know. I'll go ask because I know that's what you're getting at.

JUL. Ok. If he's married I'll die, and that's not foreshadowing at all.

NURSE. He's a Montague, stay away. Stay away from the Montagues, girl, and always remember: CONSTANT VIGALANCE!

JUL. That came from nowhere, but I don't care because my heart is broken! I wanted to have sex with him!

NURSE. Huh?

JUL. I didn't say anything.

NURSE. Right. Let's get you into bed then. _Exeunt._


	7. Act II Scenes I and II

ACT II

PROLOGUE

_Enter _Chorus.

CHOR. You know what? I don't want to do this again. _Exeunt._

SCENE I. _A lane by the wall of Capulet's orchard._

_Enter _ROMEO, _alone._

ROM. Yes, Juliet!

_He climbs the wall, and leaps down within it._

_Enter _BENVOLIO _with _MERCUTIO.

BEN. Where's Romeo going?

MER. I don't know, probably trying out new pining spots—the sycamore grove must be flooded by now.

BEN. Want to make out then?

MER. What?

BEN. Er, nothing.

MER. Eh, I'm high and won't remember any of this later on anyways, why not?

BEN. _Squeal_

SCENE II. _Capulet's orchard._

_Enter _ROMEO.

ROM. Ow.

JULIET _appears above at a window._

_Ooooh, pretty! Is that Juliet? I don't care. Maybe if she's not, she'll have sex with me anyway._

JUL. Urgh.

ROM. Yay, words!

JUL. Why are you Romeo? Why can't you be, oh, I don't know, Steve or something? Maybe Bob? Alan would work. But not _Romeo!_ Well, I guess I could always marry you despite that.

ROM. Yay, words!

JUL. I'm only supposed to hate him because he's a Montague.

ROM. WELL THEN JUST CALL ME SOMETHING ELSE, GODDAMNIT!

JUL. _Shriek_

ROM. Sorry about stalking you, my therapist is working on that with me.

JUL. It's too bad you're psycho, you were really hot.

ROM. Well, I think you're hot, and we both KNOW I'm not, so why not get married and have hot little freaky babies?

JUL. Ay!

ROM. I think there's a joke I should be getting.

JUL. So, when should I send my Nurse to you?

ROM. Not too early, I need my beauty sleep.

JUL. Oh, okay then. Nine sound good?

ROM. NINE!

JUL. Sounds good! Love you, sweetie, goodnight.

_Exeunt._

ROM. Oh shit, what'd I just get myself into?


	8. Act II Scene III

SCENE III. _Friar Laurence's Cell._

_Enter _FRIAR LAURENCE, _with a basket._

FRI. L. _In a singsong voice_ Plants, plants, plants! I love plants!

_Enter _ROMEO.

ROM. Um, am I interrupting something?

FRI. L. Oh, um, no, sorry. Why are you up so early?

ROM. Hehehehe….

FRI. L. You sinner! So…how was she?

ROM. Who?

FRI. L. Her.

ROM. And she is?

FRI. L. You know, _her._

ROM. Rosaline?

FRI. L. **DON'T BRAG ABOUT YOUR SINFUL ENDEAVORS HERE! THIS IS A PLACE OF GOD!**

ROM. You brought her up.

FRI. L. Oh…right.

ROM. Well, I wasn't with her.

FRI. L. Then where were you?

ROM. Trying to put the moves on Capulet's daughter.

FRI. L. Hmmmm…sounds harmless.

ROM. Yeah, well, there's a little….snag.

FRI. L. Oh, well, you'll have lots of those in the next couple days so I'd get used to them if I were you.

ROM. What?

FRI. L. Nothing. So, what were you saying about a snag?

ROM. I kind of…sort of…told her I'd…marry her….

FRI. L. And you want ME to perform the rite, correct?

ROM. Erm…yeah.

FRI. L. Fine.

ROM. Yay, sex! _Exeunt._


	9. Act II Scene IV

SCENE IV. _A street._

_Enter _BENVOLIO _and _MERCUTIO.

MER. I don't remember anything from last night, man.

BEN. Oh, well, nothing happened….WE DIDN'T MAKE OUT!

MER. You're being kind of weird. Was Romeo with us?

BEN. No.

MER. Rosaline, the bitch.

BEN. That was random.

MER. Sorry, I've liked bashing Rosaline since she refused to give me a blow job at a party a couple years back…

BEN. T…M…I….

MER. What'd I say?

BEN. Moving on….Tybalt sent Romeo a challenge.

MER. Pft, Tybalt. Prince of cats, sissy boy….ok, well, he's handsome, I'll admit.

BEN. Too true…

MER. And a good fighter…

BEN. Yes, yes.

_Enter _ROMEO

BEN. Romeo! My sexy cousin Romeo!

MER. You closet queer.

BEN. _Blush_

ROM. Sorry I ditched you guys…again.

MER. You asshole.

ROM. I was trying to get laid!

MER. All forgiven…did you get any?

ROM. Almost.

MER. Then I take that back. You're almost forgiven.

ROM. Awwww….

_Enter _NURSE _and _PETER.

MER. Woah, she's HUGE!

NURSE. Give me my fan, Peter.

MER. Please do! Urgh, she's ugly.

BEN. U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you're ugly!

MER. Just stop…you're embarrassing yourself.

NURSE. Which one of you is Romeo?

ROM. Me…I think. Depends. Who are you? Are you from the FBI, 'cuz if you are, I'm definitely NOT Romeo. I'm Leonardo. DiCaprio. See, you can tell, because I'm prettier than my female costar.

NURSE. Just get over here! Randomness is MY job!

ROM. Fine, what do you want?

NURSE. Who was that?

ROM. Don't mind him, he gets like that when he's baked.

NURSE. Right…Juliet sent me.

ROM. _Sigh_ Tell her I'll marry her.

NURSE. Oh, she'll be so happy!

ROM. _Grumble_


	10. Act II Scene V

ACT II, SCENE V. _Capulet's orchard._

_Enter_ JULIET.

JUL. The Nurse is soooooo SLOW!

_Enter _NURSE,_ with _PETER.

JUL. Get Peter away from me! He came on to me a couple weeks ago!

PET. _Runs away._

JUL. TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME TELL—!

NURSE. Good lord, shut up! He said yes, okay? He said yes, he said he'd marry you, so go to Friar Lawrence AND GET OUT OF MY HAIR!

JUL. _Blink._ YAY!

_Exeunt._


	11. Act II Scene VI

ACT II, SCENE VI. _Friar Laurence's Cell._

_Enter _FRIAR LAURENCE _and _ROMEO.

FRI. Okay, come on, where is she, I've got Mass…

ROM. There she is! Oh, sweet erection! Er, I mean….affection!

_Enter _JULIET.

ROM. _Kisses JULIET in a way that looks like he's eating her face._

FRI. L. Holy Saint Francis! Cannibalism is a sin! You know what, I don't want anything to do with this anymore. You're married, congrats. You may now eat the bride's face….I mean, kiss the bride.

FRI. L. _Aside_ Kids…

_Exeunt._


	12. Act III Scene I

ACT III.

SCENE I. _A public place._

_Enter _MERCUTIO, BENVOLIO, Page, _and_ servants.

BEN. Let's go in, it's too hot out. Well, that and Tybalt's around here somewhere and I can't guarantee I won't try to rape him if I see him.

MER. Things have been getting rather physical around here these days…

BEN. Yes! VERY physical…hehehe….

MER. _Not comprehending._ Why, I was at the tavern yesterday and a man drew his sword on the waiter.

BEN. _Comprehending wrong._ How interesting…in the middle of the tavern?

MER. Mmhmm…People fight about who has more hair, or who has cracked more nuts…

BEN. How…interesting. Lovely, really.

MER. Benvolio, may I ask you something?

BEN. Yes.

MER. Are you gay?

BEN. No.

MER. Are you kidding?

BEN. No.

MER. Really? Because I think you're so far back in the closet you're in fucking Narnia.

BEN. What?

MER. It's a literary reference that won't gain relevance for about three centuries…queer.

BEN. Er…

_Enter _TYBALT _and others._

BEN. Oh, look, Capulets!

MER. Schweet! Fight!

TYB. Oy, you – I want a word one of you!

MER. One word with one of us? How contrite! What a short conversation this will be – really, Tybalt, why bother?

TYB. Mercutio, you consort with Romeo –

BEN. Mercutio, you don't! _Sobs._

MER. I WHAT?!

BEN. Oh, come on, would you mind? I'm trying not to get my head chopped off by the Prince, thank you very much.

MER. I'm not moving.

BEN. Why are you so damn stubborn?

_Enter _ROMEO.

TYB. Psh, forget you losers, I'd much rather fight with him.

MER. He won't fight you; he's too much of a pansy ass.

TYB. Sucks to you and your 'pansy ass'! Romeo, I hate you.

ROM. Tybalt, please, not today.

MER. Told you.

TYB. No, you're supposed to say 'I hate you more'.

ROM. Come on.

TYB. Just say it!

ROM. No!

TYB. Yes!

ROM. You have no reason to hate me, you don't even know me. No one knows me, no one except Ju—I mean, Bathalsar. And he doesn't really know me either. Just my favorite positions.

BEN. That's…sick.

TYB. I have such a good reason to hate you! You're a Montague!

ROM. I love you, but I can't tell you why, or she'll kill me.

TYB. Who?

ROM. Oh, uh, no one. I'm, uh, delusional. Sick. You know, the usual

TYB. Ah.

MER. Submission! Romeo, you pansy ass bitch! Now I'm gonna fight you, Tybalt!

TYB. Count me in!

_Drawing._

ROM. Mercutio, no!

MER. Oh, bitch, it's on!

_They fight._

ROM. Benvolio, help! Come on guys, the prince hears about this and it will be off with your heads!

TYBALT_ under _ROMEO'S _arm stabs _MERCUTIO_ and flies with his followers._

MER. Damn…that didn't occur to me.

BEN. Oh, honey, you can't possibly be hurt!

ROM. Yeah, can't be too bad.

MER. Oh no, not too bad. Just, you know, enough to, like, kill a man.

ROM. See, Benvolio, calm down! He'll be fine….WAIT, WHAT?!

MER. It's all your fault.

ROM. I was trying to help!

MER. Yeah, well, fuck you. That was one half-assed job. Benvolio, let's be alone one more time, if you catch my drift.

BEN. Yay!

_Exeunt _MERCUTIO _and _BENVOLIO.

_Reenter _BENVOLIO.

ROM. He dead?

BEN. Yep.

ROM. Figures.

_Reenter _TYBALT.

BEN. Here he comes.

ROM. Oh my God, he killed Mercutio!

TYB. Yeah. I'm a Mexican with a combover and sideburns. The Donald's got nothing on me. You pissed me off, and now you're more than fired!

_They fight; _TYBALT_ falls._

ROM. …Oh shit.

BEN. RUN!

_Exit _ROMEO.

_Enter _Citizens, &c.

FIRST CIT. Uh oh, someone get the Prince. It's a dead one.

_Enter _PRINCE, _attended; _MONTAGUE, CAPULET, _their _Wives_, and others._

PRIN. Okay, okay, people: whodunit?

BEN. Miss Scarlet in the library with the lead pipe.

PRIN. Really?

BEN. No…it was Romeo. But Tybalt killed Mercutio first.

LA. CAP. Oh, come on, you're going to believe HIM? He's related to them!

CAPS. KILL ROMEO! BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!

PRIN. What to do, what to do?

MON. Romeo only lynched the kid, come on! The law was gonna do it anyway.

PRIN. Fine, banishment. But, if he comes back…I kill him.

_Exeunt._

**Yes, I know I've been forever in updating, but I couldn't really figure out how to make this scene funny. And I'm not really sure if I did anyways, but I felt a little guilty letting it go so long without touching it - the parody was getting quite dusty!**


	13. Act III Scene II

ACT III.

Scene II. _Capulet's Orchard._

_Enter _JULIET.

JUL. I can't wait to have sex! Yaaay, sex. La di la di daaa, sex!

_Enter _NURSE_, with cords._

JUL. Wassup, Nurse with no name? Have you got the cords?

NURSE. …Yes…

JUL. …That didn't sound good. _Getting hysterical_ Things cannot be going wrong; I'm supposed to have SEX tonight!

NURSE. He's dead!!!

JUL. God can't really be that jealous, can he?

NURSE. Romeo can. Oh dear, oh dear, what a pickle!

JUL. Tell me what happened or I swear to all that has been blessed with the presence of Leonardo DiCaprio's face I will _hurt_ you. Badly.

NURSE. I saw the wound with my own eyes! I don't know how he got a gun in this day and age, but he did! Oh, how strange it was!

JUL. NOOOOOOOO!

NURSE. Tybalt, my best friend! _Becomes half as hysterical as Juliet, which is REALLY hysterical_

JUL. What? You got me panicked over nothing? …Unless, of course, my dear husband whom I love so much after a day is dead as well.

NURSE. No, Tybalt is dead and Romeo is banished.

JUL. _Starts to cry Inconsolably_ Now I'll _never _get to have sex…

_Exeunt._


End file.
